Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
