Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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