Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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