Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
