Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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