So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
