what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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