he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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