I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
