i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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