Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
