You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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