Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
