you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
