someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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