Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
