I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
