Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
