Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
