took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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