6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
