I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
