just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
