Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
