My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
