he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
this is an emotional support booty call
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
