You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
