dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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