I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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