i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You are a genius and a whore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
