i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
