Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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