If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
