i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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