the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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