Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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