Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
