I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MIDGETS
????
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
