If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
