Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
