Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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