he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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