I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
