i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
