YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
