This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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