So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
