Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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