i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
