this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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