I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
